I recently read a LinkedIn post by Dr. Becky Kennedy, the author of Good Inside, where she contrasted how moms behave in the workforce versus how they behave around Mother’s Day. She notes that moms who are direct and ask for what they need at work suddenly go quiet and deferential around the topic of Mother’s Day only to be left disappointed. Her follow-on call to action is to “ask yourself what you actually want” and share it with someone to make it happen. She’s even running a webinar called “How Not to Have a Shitty Mother’s Day.”
For better or worse, I am rarely shy to ask for what I want because I learned early that it probably won’t happen if I don’t ask for it. (Also my mom’s voice saying “Kathryn, I’m not a mind reader” lives on in my head.) On past Mother’s Days I’ve told my spouse to make me dinner, have booked a family brunch reservation, and received nice flowers. I’m not huge on gifts and don’t trust my spouse to nail selecting an item off of a Mother’s Day gift round up. In my first three Mother’s Days I feel like I cycled through the traditional stuff: go on a family walk, have a nice meal together, …survive.
This year on my 4th Mother’s Day, I am trying something completely different, and I believe it will be the exact opposite of “Shitty”. In early April, I sent the below email to ten of my mom friends and acquaintances from daycare.
Hello to my mom friends,
Now that I am approaching my 4th Mother’s Day, I’ve had a realization: I do not want breakfast in bed (crumbs), flowers (another thing I have to keep alive), or jewelry (never been my thing). I want what the Dad’s get on Father’s Day….time away from my children 🙂 And more importantly, a celebration of mothers with my mom friends.
With that, I present to you the first (annual?) Mother’s Day Eve Mom’s Night Out! I have made a 12 person reservation on Saturday, May 9th for dinner. From there we can go out nearby.
This is the Saturday before Mother’s Day. The gift is that the Dads put the kids to bed AND get them out of the house on Mother’s Day morning so that we can sleep in and sleep off our hangovers.
Please let me know if you are able to attend by replying to this email.
Looking forward to a night of adult conversation, sitting in my seat for the majority of the meal, and not cutting anyone else’s food.
Hang in there,
Kathryn
The response was incredible! Within 24 hours, I had 8 “yes”es and within a week we’d grown to a group of a dozen. Not a single person declined the invite. I am so looking forward to this event because the friendship of other moms has lifted me through the ups and downs of this phase of life. I am also grateful to be living in a time and participating in a community where moms are celebrating and lifting one another up instead of competing with each other.
Before I get pegged as hating my children or family, I would like to make it clear that I plan to spend the rest of Mother’s Day with them (post my hopeful sleep in until 9 or 10 am), and I am looking forward to it. But, the overwhelmingly positive response to this alternate Mothers Day plan is indicative of the need for moms to also take a break and have fun without their kids. Please replicate this and make it a thing. Build your community, invest in yourself, and have the BEST Mother’s Day!
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